LOVE – THE ANATOMY OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

Let me give you the whole story, from top to bottom, A to Z, my take on the significant aspects of human relationships, and most particularly, the relationship between a man and a woman.

And, in doing that, it seems to me best to begin at the beginning. We, the human species, just like all of the other so-called “life forms” on this planet (for amplification of that idea, you can bring up my thread “The General Theorem of Existence” in the Philosophy forum), are hunter-gatherers for the fulfillment of our needs. This is what we do because this is all that we are capable of doing. In brief, human motivation, the entirety of it, is driven by human need, and, consequently, human relationships are propelled and mediated by human need. But, isn’t love about giving, you ask. The answer, of course, is yes, but only as a secondary condition. What we give in a relationship, time, energy, creativity, and so forth, is mediated by and in proportion to the value that we place on what we get from that relationship. The point is simply that altruism, selfless giving, is an imaginary human attribute, lying completely outside the reality of human existence and human relationships. We give so that we can get. And this essential aspect of human relationships applies to the entire gamut of those relationships, from the most casual of friendships to the deepest intimacy.

So, with that proposition firmly in mind, what is “love”, anyway? Here is my definition. Love is a contract of the form: “If you give me what I need, I’ll give you what you need.” Now, some of you might already sense trouble ahead. Contract, you say? Aren’t contracts, by their very nature, rather flimsy things? After all, contracts are “meant to be broken”, right? Perhaps I can save it by adding that, not only is love between a man and a woman a contract, but it is a contract that must be renewed every day that they are together. And further, as a man who has any hope of meeting your part of that bargain, you have to know exactly what her needs are.

Which brings us to the matter of communication, another key element of human relationships. As her lover, you have to know what is going on with her every day, both the good stuff and, most particularly, the bad stuff, because it is the bad stuff that, if allowed to accumulate and go unaddressed, will inevitably either end the relationship or, at the minimum, cause it severe harm. And, of course, the essential ingredient of honest and open communication is trust, the confidence that one has in knowing that there is no expression of your true feelings that your lover could find unacceptable. Your feelings, after all, are yours and they have to be respected within the framework of respect that lovers naturally have for each other as individuals.

Clearly, gentlemen, feelings of ownership have no place in love, as any attempt to co-opt her identity by bending her will to yours is the highest form of disrespect that you could have for her. As her lover, you must give her absolute freedom to come to her own decision on every matter, including the matter of leaving you, if it comes to that, which is nothing more than the natural right of every person. Of course, because you are in constant dialogue with her, you will have access to her thoughts on a timely basis and, therefore, the ability to influence, by your input, the decisions that she makes. This process of negotiation is an inherent and fundamental part of maintaining a loving relationship. Again, love cannot stand in the way of the respect that you have for your lover as a person. There is no more important premise for a man and woman in love to understand and live by.

There is a final aspect of love between a man and a woman, the one that “seals the deal” and gives their relationship its vitality, its power of renewal and endurance. Let me say plainly, gentlemen, that this aspect is the one thing which, in the face of all of the tenuousness and uncertainty of your relationship, is most likely to keep her with you. That thing is intimacy. “Well, what’s the big deal with that”, you ask. “It is certainly no secret that sexual gratification is one of the strongest of human needs. And, besides, I make love to my wife. How much more ‘intimate’ can it get than that?” As it turns out, depending on a couple's knowledge and experience with intimacy, it is entirely possible that it can get far more intimate than that!

Let me illustrate the point, men, with the following word picture. Imagine yourself in the company of the most completely ravishing and sexy woman on the planet who has invited you to have sex with her. Sex, in her view by the way, is always had in the dark, under the covers, in the missionary position. While I understand that my hypothetical is extreme and, therefore, only hypothetical, I have to think that a lot of you, perhaps most of you, at one time or another have had experiences reminiscent of it. And I also think that a majority of you understand and appreciate the fact that sex in the dark, under the covers, in the missionary position has a limited shelf life, even with the most desirable woman in the world. It is only a matter of time before dĂ©jĂ  vu sets in and the thrill is gone. I wonder, too, how many of you have had a lover, who you profess to love and who professes to love you, tell you that she is not comfortable with certain language that you use or your manner of speaking to her while you are being seductive with her or having sex with her. Well, by now I’m sure that you see my point, which is simply that there is no place for sexual taboos in intimacy, or, for that matter, prohibitions of any kind, other than the obvious restrictions against causing pain or physical injury to your lover, or saying things that are intended to insult her or him.

So, bearing in mind what intimacy is not, what, then, is intimacy? Fortunately, we have a definition, that which comprises what Masters and Johnson have identified as normal human sexual practice (you can refer, if you like, to the summary article at [url]http://www.findarticles.com/g1epc/bio/2419200801/p1/article.jhtml[/url]). In brief, there is nothing that a man can do to or for a woman with his hands, his mouth and his genitals, and nothing that a woman can do to or for a man with her hands, her mouth and her genitalia that is beyond the bounds of normal human sexual practice. That practice certainly includes looking at your lover, drinking him or her in with your eyes, examining any part, even, shudder to think it, in the full light of day. It also includes using language with your lover that might be considered obscene or vulgar in ordinary social discourse, so long as that language is not intended to insult her or him. It conveys the role of sexual initiator or aggressor equally to the man and to the woman. It sets no time or place for intimate expression or for engaging in sexual play, intercourse, or any other activity for sexual gratification. It includes the myriad ways in the course of every day that a man and woman are seductive with each other, make love to each other with a look, a touch, a word. It is how lovers flirt, make each other laugh or cry, or share secrets with each other. Intimacy, then, is everything that is a part of normal human sexual practice.

Well, I believe that I can already hear the complaints of at least some of our representatives of the fairer sex. “You mean you actually want me to do those “disgusting” things that “nice girls” don’t do and would never think of doing?” Guys, if this sounds familiar, remember that the answer is a resounding “YES!” That is exactly what I want you to do!” Then, explain to her the reason for your wanting that of her, which is that, by taking your hand and walking with you to that place of intimacy, you and she will save your relationship, give it that recurring recharge of energy that will make it endure for a lifetime. Let her know that you are desperate to keep the love that you share alive, to not let it become “yesterday’s newspaper”.

It is not really very difficult at all to understand how roadblocks to intimacy get erected. What you need to realize, gentlemen, is that life for a woman in a world of men is no bed of roses, particularly for a bright and ambitious woman. And if it happens that she is attractive, as most women are in one way or another, she almost certainly will have felt besieged for most of her life after puberty by men wanting to make her the object of their sexual fantasies. In order to resist that assault on her person, her identity, she puts men on notice that, “Hey, I’m a person! I am just as capable as you are and you have to respect me!” And so, walls get put up around her identity to maintain that respect that she and every one of us requires, walls that translate to sexual taboos and “thou shalt nots” of one variety or another: “I’ll let you go this far, but, there is no way that you’re crossing that line with me, Buster!” Gentlemen, not one of you will ever be intimate with that woman until you convince her to take down those walls. She has to realize that what she has so strenuously resisted doing for most of her life she must do for you, her lover. She must make herself the object of your desire! And that, my dear fellows, is almost certainly going to be a very scary thing for her. It will absolutely require that she places her complete trust in you. In fact, she will have to trust you with her life. It will also no doubt require mountains of patience, tenderness and coaxing, but, that’s the fun part. And integral to that trust that she places in you is your assurance to her that the intimacy which you share has nothing whatsoever to do with the respect that you have for her as a person, with all of the rights that you allow to any other human being. In a word, she must know that you respect her completely and always, regardless of the intimacy that passes between you.

There is a very good book on intimacy written by Julia Rainier, M.D., entitled “The Power of Sexual Surrender”. That title is particularly apt because surrender is precisely what intimacy requires. And, of course, everything that I have noted as required of a woman in intimacy applies equally to her lover.

So, there you have it, the whole story on human relationships and the anatomy of love between a man and a woman. And now that I have told you, it is your turn to tell me. What do you think?