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Love & Relationships
By Jacqui
info@veryprivate.com
 |  | Conversations | Jacqui |
Dear Jacqui:
My husband and I have been married nine years. I have been loosing interest in sex quite some time ago and lately I've been experiencing increasing discomfort during intercourse. I kept inventing excuses to avoid intimacy and then felt guilty and worried. To bury my anxiety I found solace in snacking and reading and became more and more distanced from my husband. Unfortunately this led to an estrangement in our marriage and worse. The empty space in bed between us grew larger and larger. We began to avoid going to sleep at the same time just so we didn't have to face this uneasy truth. I have recently discovered that he sees another woman and I am panicked. I still love him but there is so much between us, I don't know what to say or do. I just feel paralyzed with fear.
Nancy F.
" The space in bed between us grew larger and larger"
Dear Nancy:
You have taken the first step, looking at yourself, and I congratulate you for trying to face up to dealing with the issue. Yes, there is a lot between you, positive and negative. If it were all negative and you wanted out of the marriage, you probably would welcome "the other woman" since she would present an excuse or solution to bring about the final break. I believe, however, that you are still vested in this marriage and just need a little emotional push and reinforcement to shake off your paralysis. Yes, it is possible to work your way back to recapture the feelings of love and desire which are buried within you. It is not an easy task and requires that both of you commit to it and right now you are hardly talking. You have started by getting in touch with your feelings. That's a good beginning. You now have to find the courage to reach out and open a new discourse with your husband. Hopefully he too would welcome the possibility of a new start and is willing to bare his feelings, commit to a frankness of expression that might have been lacking in your marriage from the very beginning. Quite possibly it would help you both to begin the process with the guidance of a marriage counselor since your sexual problems are deeply intertwined with the unresolved emotional issues. Submitting to sex when you want to avoid it creates not only emotional tension for both of you but results in physical symptoms. For one, the muscles inside your vagina become tight which makes penetration more difficult. For the same reason your body fails to produce the necessary lubrication which adds to the discomfort. And your feelings project your negativity. Recognizing and breaking the existing negative patterns is the key to unlocking a new romantic life and rebuilding your relationship. Just as you develop new ways to communicate verbally, a little creativity in lovemaking can rekindle desire. Surprise him by creating a romantic environment. Equip yourself with an intimate moisturizer. It will facilitate the beginning of lovemaking for you and can be very exciting for a man. Find a new place to have a romantic encounter. Plan a talk and love weekend. Rediscover being physical. Hold hands. Hug. Touch. Watch a sensuous movie together. Go for brisk morning walks to release good energy between you. Be conscious to avoid the old habits and patterns that drove you apart maybe even make a list of them, together, so you become alert to avoid the pitfalls. Reinforce new activities that are exciting to both of you and rediscover the gift of sharing. And don't forget, it's never too late to say 'I love you.'
© Brandwynne Corporation 2000, LR(C10).
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