Communicating effectively is a valuable tool that will assist you in your journey of creating healthy relationships with others. Communication is one of the most important things we do on a daily basis, yet very few of us receive any formal training on how to go about it. If you are like most people your "training" consists of what you were taught by people around you, books you may have read, and by others in positions of power.

Have you ever heard a kid make a comment about someone else? Maybe it was about someone's weight, or their height, or the color of their hair. This could be immediately followed by a parent saying "shhhhh" or "You shouldn't say things like that. It isn't polite." Then they enter the school system where they are taught they can't speak unless they raise their hand and the teacher calls on them.

This continues as they learn to write; teachers and parents instruct them on what to write and the "proper" way to write it. Then as an adult "office politics" quickly teaches them what they can and cannot say.

With all of these written and unwritten rules, is it any wonder most of us have some difficulty communicating effectively? The art of communication can be tricky. Recently I participated in a conversation that went something like this. A really cool friend and I were taking a walk around town. We had walked into the street because some of the sidewalk was blocked. A car went past us and we realized we were in the way. "Let's go over there." I said as I pointed to another sidewalk across the street. He interpreted my verbal and nonverbal message as "Let's walk on the other side of the road." Where did the breakdown in communication occur? It started with me. What I have not mentioned was I had a surprise for my friend which involved taking a different route than we usually do. If I had simply added a couple more words like "on the sidewalk", my friend would have realized what I meant, because it would have been clear to him. Both of our needs would have been met, and he would have followed me so I could have shared my surprise with him. My friend also could have spoke up if he didn't understand and said, "I would rather get out of the street" and then I would have understood immediately that I needed to give more information because he didn't understand what I meant.

So what are the steps you can take to make sure that you are communicating your wants and needs? First make sure you are clearly stating what you want the other person to do. Don't beat around the bush, be direct and clear.

Make sure your verbal and nonverbal communication back each other up. Pointing may have worked as an infant, but as adults it is one of the least effective means of telling people what we want them to do.

Another example: People you're talking with may get slightly confused if you smile while you tell them that you have had the worst day of your life.

Finally, if you are on the receiving end of the conversation, don't assume. Repeat back to the other person what they said in your own words. By doing this you will show them that you were listening and at the same time eliminate any error in your interpretation of what they said.

Some examples of this start like this. "What I heard you say was..." Or "You stated..." Or "Even though you feel... I feel..." If you find yourself misunderstanding totally innocent comments, or feel like you are missing out on something important use these techniques to get clarification. Otherwise you might miss out on some great opportunities just because of a simple misunderstanding in communication.

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