There are many things I miss about being married. For starters, I always had a partner when I went on vacation. Holidays were normal. When I had sex, there was actually someone else there. There are lots of advantages to being married. But the biggest, greatest, best of all reasons for being married...... you never have to go to a 'Singles Dance'.

For the single adult, Singles Dances seem to be a necessary evil. It's like eating spinach. You don't do it voluntarily, but theoretically, it's good for you. So like going to the dentist, it's not necessarily something you enjoy, but rather something you just have to do every once in a while. I don't really like going to the dentist, but I go. I don't really like going to Singles Dances, but I go. But I gotta say, at least at my dentist, I get gas.

There are Singles Dances held in southern N.H., sponsored by another' dating service. No, you don't have to join their service ($1200 for 6 dates) to go to the dance. $10 and appropriate attire will get you there. I can't wear my jeans, because that is not appropriate. However, judging by what I've seen inside these dances, appropriate attire for men includes: plaid jackets; polyester; slacks that are too tight; bell-bottoms; and silk shirts, often black, open to the torso, with gold medallions a-dangling. Can you say foolish'? My jeans aren't appropriate, but this stuff is. My question is: appropriate for who?

So I put on my (too tight) slacks, and go. For $10, (if you arrive early) you get cheese and crackers. $4 drinks with trace amounts of alcohol are also available. So I go (because my dentist doesn't work Friday nights). I'm there. It's a go. I'm properly attired. Thank God the Ex can't see me now. And while I typically do not like alcohol, I suck down $8 worth of black Russians faster than Jim Fix did the 4 minute mile. Let's see; there's lot of nicely dressed women sitting at tables, and appropriately' dressed men standing in the back. Mulling around. Checking it out. Looking at their shoes. Can you say 'cattle call'?

Well, in my best be-here-now attitude, I sit down at a table with three women in my basic age category, and make light conversation. "So Sally, do you come here to meet some nice men?" speaketh I. "Hell no. Why would I want to meet a man?". Uh-huh. "So why do you come here?" says I. "To have fun." says she. "Are you having fun?" queries I. "Not yet. No one has asked me to dance. Do you want to dance?".

How can I tell her my pants are far too tight for dancing. "Not really.." I say. "I prefer to just talk with a lady and get to know her a little". "Oh........" she says. Can you say dead air'? Geez. I thought you girls wanted to talk. I'm a communicative kind of guy. I though I'd be popular. Can you say forget it'? So I spoke to the other two ladies at the table. They really weren't interested in meeting guys either (or not me anyway). Been there, done that. They just want to dance. I just want to talk. Can you say nerd'? They just want to dance. WHAT IS IT WITH DANCING, ANYWAY?

Where's the waitress with my black Russian? Where the gas? Where's my mommy? What is it with this dancing thing, anyway? Just what do you gals get from dancing? My friend Bruce once told me that for women "dancing is just a vertical manifestation of a horizontal desire." This isn't really true, is it? I look up and there's Sally dancing with the guy with the black silk shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. He's dancing with Sally, but looking around the room for something better'. Sally is Lost in Dance'. She has her head back, shoulders propped up, and is shaking her breasts furiously to the music. Help me gals. Why do you do this breast shaking thing? Is this some sacred ritual from 'Running with Wolves'? Just what are you trying to tell us? OK, OK. I'll just shut up and dance.

You know, one evening, in the privacy of our home, I once asked my (former) wife to do this for me. This breast shaking thing. Shake them for me. Please? Please!! She told me to get real. I don't get it. Is this a ritual only done with an audience? Can you say 'where's the gas'?.

I do enjoy watching women dance (especially that shaking thing), but you gals can't possible enjoy watching us dance. We're white, we're men, and some of us are wearing bell-bottoms. Please. Reject us, make fun of us, but don't make us dance. I'm watching silk shirt and Sally, and they haven't looked each other in the eye once. They haven't smiled at each other once. They are both just dancing alone, with each other. There is no contact there. Not a thread of intimacy. OK, call me a cynic. Can you say 'disco-masturbation'? I just want to know one thing ladies, just ONE LITTLE THING!

Just what is it with this dancing thing, anyway?

Any of this stuff ever happen to you. Gotta go now. I can't wait to peel off these pants.