In putting together my magazine, I spend a lot of time on the Internet looking for interesting material on the psychology of dating and relationships. One reason I spend so much time, is that it is so hard to find specific material. In surfing the Net, I rarely find a wave worth riding'. There's a lot of stupidity out there. I just don't know where to look for triple digit IQ material.

It's impossible to look around in this topic matter without stumbling across all kinds of dating' forums. I happen to know that the primary reason for these dating pages is not to help singles, but to sell banner space on everything from online bookstores to used-car salesman. It's just one big advertising scam.

Also plentiful in Web 'dating services' is advice columns on dating. Whenever I wonder if publishing my opinions and observations is just an exercise in self-flagellation, I can be assured that my writing has tremendous weight compared to the inspirational material I read on my screen. Following here, is just a small sampling of some of the crap I have found. The following advice' was found on the 'Heart to Heart Introductions, Inc' site, under Dating Tips. However, if you are unsure about your own perceptions, you can log onto almost any site and read tips' that will make you feel like an expert in the field.

This particular 'Dating Tips' is, sensibly enough, broken into two column: For Women' and For Men'. Here we go.

On the top of both columns: Be on time. Unpunctuality is a fault with "no" redeeming features'. It's a good thing this is on top, because none of us could figure this out for ourselves.

Under 'For Women' (but NOT under For Men') it further states: "However, if your date is late, don't let it spoil the evening, remain pleasant". Therefore, I guess for Men, our evening is spoiled, and we are free to get hostile.

For Women: begin with the exchange of warm, relaxed smiles'. Of course. What's more relaxing than meeting a perfect stranger on a first date. For Woman: Wear something that makes you feel pretty, an outfit that has proven itself, with comfortable shoes'. Oh come on... what's a push-up bra without spike heels?

For Men (but not For Women): Don't lie. Never lie. NEVER'. Ah shucks! How can I possibly impress a woman if I'm not allowed to lie. Again, I guess the gals have a little more license here than men. I guess for the author, women lying is acceptable, if not expected.

For both: Avoid arguing over things that would cause either of you to lose a limb'. OK. Non-surgical arguing only. Again, both parties are advised to 'read a newspaper or watch a news program so you will have something to talk about". I guess neither you or I can come up with an hour of reasonable conversation without a little current events to refer to. Since we are so boring and shallow, and neither party wants to hear about the others children, careers, hobbies or spirituality, we can instead debate whether Clinton did indeed get a blow job in office, and whether he prefers Cuban to domestic cigars.

Under 'For Men' (but not For Women') we are further advised nothing is worse for a woman than to meet a pompous, self-important bore who couldn't care less about what's happening in the world. (white house blow-jobs, McGuire and Sosa, fires, floods, hurricanes and other heady stuff). Luckily the gals don't seem to have to worry about being a bore.

Men: Clean nails. VITAL'. You're smart, handsome, funny and charming. But oh oh...... DIRTY NAILS! There goes the relationship.

For Women: Be busy. Projects of your own make for much more interesting conversation than last night's TV' (unless, of course, it's the aforementioned News program). That's right gals. After a long day of work, feeding and caring for the kids, paying the bills, doing the housework and caring for yourselves- pull out that project!

For Men: A sense of humor (refined if possible) is your best ally'. Oh shit...refined???...., I guess I'm out of it.

There's more. For both: Be observant, sensitive, perceptive and appreciate what your date does or may have done.' and additionally For Men: If something embarrassing happens, get over it'. So if her breast accidentally pops out of her push-up bra, DON'T GET UPSET. However, gals, if his fly is open or he drools, have yourself a good laugh at his expense. So, if you are NOT especially observant, sensitive, perceptive and appreciative, fake it. Make pretend you are all these things. Pretend, but don't lie. NEVER lie.

For both: Don't look for a fight. Debate topics, don't ague them'. IE: You say sweetly He got a blow job'. They say sweetly, No he didn't'. Sweetly Yes he did'. Sweetly No he didn't'. Sweetly Yes he did', etc, etc.

Feel enlightened now? Didn't know it was so easy, did you? However as complete as this is, I add a few things. No nose picking (women), No crotch scratching (men), No spitting' (for both). Fete comple.